The ED recovery diaries

I've got my appointment at the clinic tomorrow... should be interesting.
The other day I slept in my Mum's bed because I genuinely thought I was going to die. I don't know why I didn't die to be honest. My heart was having a hard time and kept pumping fast and then going ridiculously slow. This kept on the whole night and is still not back to normal. I think it's got something to do with electrolyte imbalance so I haven't purged since (I keep binging still though unfortunately).
I don't know If I believe in God or anything like that but I think there must be a reason I'm still here and my heart didn't give out on my after all I've put myself through this past year and a half. I want to live my life right from now on because the thing that made me the saddest was that for sixteen years (my whole existence) I've not been truly or consistently happy. I've hardly enjoyed life or being myself at all. I've been critical of myself and never stopped to appreciate the things I have which I still don't realize I'm blessed with.
I don't understand the point of life and I don't understand why I feel the way I do about myself but I'm determined to change. I have to change. I have to live a happy life or I'll die not having lived at all. I'm going to defeat my negative thoughts and change myself now for good. It's the only way...
xxx
P.S my best friend had sex today for the first time but she wasn't quite sure if her boyfriend put it in all the way so she technically doesn't know whether it was proper sex or not. Apparently he fingered her loads and really hard and she was sore as hell. Poor her!!! lol

Urgghh! Today's been a bit sad. I'm going to put all my effort into tomorrow so I can have an awesome day and eat five small yummy meals instead of getting depressed all day and eating. I binged but didn't purge today. I know that if I can't physically do it again or my throat will burst. It's sore! I'm scared in case I have a heart attack right now but I don't think I will (hopefully). I gotta stop this. I must make this commitment to myself everyday and keep affirming that I am doing well I am recovering, I'm healthy now and there's no going back no matter how hard that's going to be.
It's really nice that people have started commenting me on here because when I'm having a bad patch it just inspires me to try harder and just pick myself up and try again. That's one thing my "clinical physcologist" said about me; i'm bloody resilient. She even swore and all to prove her point! I love keeping a food diary but when I slip up once during the day I don't write that down because to me it makes me feel like i've failed. I'm starting to face up to my responsibilities now and just do it no matter what; it's important.
I didn't leave the house today at all. I talked for an hour on MSN to some random people off the internet which made me laugh and then later my brother invited his friend over and they both invited me to play online games with them which was hilarious. We kept accusing each other of being homosexual. It was immature but funny. My parents were out for ages watching some orchestra concert with their friends so it's been pretty quiet. Not that my parents are loud or anything, that's my job. I hacked into one of my friend's Myspace account to read her messages and was bored; there was absolutely nothing bitchy at all! It's a good thing. <3
I bought a book and CD so I can learn Japanese. I've just got really interested all of a sudden (probably because I've got into Manga now) and have found out you learn so much more when you self-teach than when you do it at school. I spent the last five years bored out of my brains in french lessons and I'm not anywhere near fluent believe me! It helps to have a new hobby anyway because Instead of purging or binging I can learn Japanese instead. I'm supposed to keep myself busy after eating and it's really helping.

xxx

Don't wanna sound cliche here but I have discovered that laughter really is the best medicine for getting better! Today started off crummy. I felt proper fat because of last night and woke up intending to do two hours cycling to make up for it. However, instead I just walked down to the local shop and bought a strawberry cheesecake flavour tub of Hagen Daaz Ice-cream, a big packet of minstrels and a big packet of maltesers and ate them all in my room. I puked in the toilet but then my gullet started to really hurt and I got very scared. I was very depressed actually this morning but I decided enough was enough and I should just pick myself up and get on with life. My friend left me messages on myspace to tell me our other "friends" wanted to meet up with us and I was also kinda dreading it to be honest.
Anyway I started making myself think positive thoughts and my normal hopefulness came back so much that I was able to start feeling better about myself and took a shower, straightened my hair and had a funny myspace conversation with my best friend. Her Mum picked us up for the gym at half three and I felt confident because my hair looked nice.
When we arrived we were already boiling because it was such hot weather and my knees started to hurt so we did a bit of exercise and ab work but mostly just talked. We cut the session short, got changed into better clothes and walked back to my house. Unfortunately no one was home so we had to sit in the back garden. I climbed up onto our fence and asked the neighbours for a spare key (which my friend thought was hilarious btw) but they didn't have one.
Her Mum then picked us up again and took us back to her house where we chilled for a bit and I ate salad. Over the past three days we must have listened to 'Disturbia' by Rihanna about twenty times. It's now officially our song lol. :-P
We walked to the park to meet our other friends for what we assumed would be a very awkward chat due to the arguments we've had recently and the fact that we haven't seen either of them for weeks now. We sat on the swings in the kids park and waited for them to come out. We talked with them for about half an hour enjoying the sunshine and then left them and bitched about them. Well, we are girls after all.
Me and my best friend went back to the bridge and had SOOO much fun dancing on the side of the road and taking pics. I asked this random but nice middle aged couple for chewing gum which they thought was dead funny and asked us if we needed it to stick or chew. Yer but of course they didn't have any!
I rang my best mates boyfriend for a joke and got him to arrange to meet us later. We walked back to her house to use the toilet and then down the road to meet him and two of his mates. It was funny actually. I saw my friend snogging him (hehe). Then I went home. Another day spending six and a half hours with her. She's the one person I could spend all day with. I love her SOO much she's amazing.
xxx

Today's been a pretty good day! I got up really late at about half twelve or one o'clock and then my best friend rang me and invited me round to her house to go to this fair thing in the local park and then a bbq in her backgarden. Obviously I said yes so I turned up at about half three.
I felt a little chubby around the middle today because I had a binge last night but I still managed to look half decent. We left her house for the park but when we arrived there was no one much there as the fair had ended. Instead we walked out and up to the main road where there were a few shops (I decided that seeing as I had money and felt like buying something we should buy a magazine or condoms for a joke- don't ask). The pharmacy was closed though so we took a turning down a few streets and ended up in a random park, took a few pictures, walked to another park, went to the Co-op and tried to buy a gay men's magazine but there weren't any, went back to the park and chilled there for a bit pole dancing on the 'Keep off the grass' sign, I took my shoes off because my feet were blistered and we walked barefoot back to my friend's house where we had the bbq. I was really proud of myself because I ate until I was full and stopped even though her Mum wanted me to eat more. The food was really nice and healthy. I ate bread today too without wanting to throw it up so i'm making progress already!
xxx

So I had a bit of a relapse today. It was the annual charity garden party next door and my Mum brought back some cakes and things like that that I ate. I wasn't intending to purge but I got really stressed and just did. I know I shouldn't have but at the same time I'm just going to put it behind me and carry on anyway. I'm so determined to get better and just get my life back to how it was before this crazy eating disorder took control.
My brother invited his "friend" over but they didn't look too friendly to me. I mean he had his top off and she was sat on his knee for like a whole forty minutes there. Methinks there's something going on (wink wink). I find it funny how my brother is a whole year younger than me and has had a girlfriend and a first kiss etc. etc. and I haven't. There is no way I'm ready for all that for myself YET. I have to get myself to the stage where I can say I'm completely recovered and established into my new life and healthier eating patterns before I can start dating someone. Getting a boyfriend is going to be my new resolution. I don't exactly feel I've wasted a year and a half of my life having bulimia because I've learnt sooo much about myself and grown up a lot but it has stunted me socially I guess.
I wasn't having a particularly amazing day today but someone kept ringing and ringing the house phone. I thought the number might be my best friend's but she'd been in America for two weeks and I didn't think she was getting back today so I ignored it. My brother came running up to my room to tell me that my best friend had told him on MSN to tell me to ring her. I was in complete and utter shock that she was finally home and also kind of nervous. Since she'd gone I must have left her about fifteen long essays updating her on what was going on with our friendship group and how much I missed her. It takes someone going away for you to realize how much you care for someone and I appreciate our friendship a whole lot more now.
She wanted me to come round to her house to see her at six to see her and I was surprised because she'd only got off the plane a few hours ago and thought she must be exhausted. I had this huge goofy grin on my face the whole car journey because I just couldn't wait to see her. I gave her a big hug and we walked round the area for three whole hours talking none-stop (about EVERYthing). We stayed on this bridge and enjoyed the sunshine, watched the sun going down a bit and getting attention from the male drivers who happened to be passing (but they were either young, old, chavvy or taken so we weren't really that interested). Oh man I'm so unbelievably happy right now I can't even describe the feeling! She makes me laugh a lot, she's such a special friend.
When I got back home I read some more Love Hina (an amazing japanese manga-style series of books that you have to read from right to left) but then after reading number six discovered I hadn't got seven so went to the kitchen and had a little binge. I didn't purge though as I've sort of accepted that recovery might mean gaining a bit of weight for a while but I'll stabilize eventually and will have achieved something so positive.

Today was the day I had been waiting for since February. The day I finally got my appointment at the clinic and could get assessed. Now I'm officially a bulimic in recovery.
I had to get up at half eight this morning (which was really early seeing as it's the holidays and i've grown accustomed to getting up in the afternoons) and my Mum drove me there. I was really quite nervous about the whole thing, not knowing what to expect and dreading speaking in front of my parents. I was pretty moody the whole way there, jamming my headphones in my ears so I didn't have to talk to my Mum. We got there twenty minutes early so parked a bit away and walked. We met my Dad there. I was feeling a bit scared at this point and didn't speak to either of them.
Then we were met by Rachel who took us upstairs to her office. She asked if I wanted to speak in front of my parents and I said no. It would be way too embarrassing. They left the room and she started asking me to tell her what the problem was. She was very nice. I had to tell her everything; how often (up to three times a day for the past year), how I was feeling (depressed)and loads of stuff about my family life (normal). We talked for about an hour and fifteen minutes and then my parents came back and we had 'a chat'. My Mum asked what type of eating disorder I had and when she replied 'bulimia' my Mum was like 'I thought so'.
I mean it's kind of obvious i'm not anorexic seeing as I do actually have flesh on my bones but my Mum's a bit naive about it all I suppose.
The meeting ended with Rachel telling me to buy this book called 'getting better bite by bite' and we then spent the entire afternoon looking for it- no joke! But they didn't have it in the shopping centre so we have to go to town tomorrow to get it.
I've been told that if I binge I'm not supposed to purge so that's what happened today. It's strange but I guess I've got to break these destructive behaviours before something serious happens like I kill myself.
I've been feeling pretty stressed out today because me and my brother have been sniping at eachother and I've been mithering my Mum so she's in a bit of a mood at the moment. I wish I didn't feel so bad.
The ironic thing is yes obviously I do want to get better but at the same time the appeal of becoming anorexic is very strong. Although if i'm totally honest the fact that i've tried starving myself on numerous occassions and it hasn't worked clearly shows me that this time is not likely to be any different so there's not much point wasting energy on getting worse when I can try and get better and lose a bit of weight the healthy way.
I would love to be able to see my body the way I want it to look and be satisfied. This journey to recovery is gonna be a long one but I'm positive i'll get there one day.
xxx